Conflict is a natural part of any marriage, but when one partner consistently avoids arguments, it can create an emotional imbalance that affects both individuals and the relationship as a whole. From a Bowen Family Systems Theory perspective, avoidance of conflict often stems from emotional reactivity, anxiety, and patterns learned in one’s family of origin. Rather than promoting genuine harmony, avoidance can lead to emotional distance, unresolved tensions, and even resentment over time.
Understanding the Cycle of Avoidance
In many marriages, one spouse may push for resolution while the other withdraws, creating a pursuer-distancer dynamic. The pursuer, feeling unheard, may escalate their efforts to engage, while the distancer shuts down further, leading to frustration and emotional cutoff. This cycle can reinforce dysfunctional patterns and prevent meaningful connection.
Shifting Toward Differentiation
The key to breaking this pattern lies in differentiation of self, Dr Bowen’s concept of being
emotionally connected to a partner while maintaining one’s sense of self. Here’s how both partners can work toward healthier conflict resolution. First, both partners should reflect on how their family history influences their conflict style. Did one spouse grow up in a home where conflict was avoided at all costs? Did the other grow up in a family where arguments were frequent and passionate? Understanding these origins helps depersonalize reactions. Second, instead of forcing immediate resolution, the pursuer can practice self-regulation—calming their own anxiety and frustration rather than pressuring their partner. The avoidant spouse, in turn, can work on tolerating discomfort and expressing thoughts before shutting down. Third, rather than escalating tension with blame (e.g., “You never listen to me!”), use calm, clear statements like, “I feel unheard when we avoid discussing tough topics.” This reduces defensiveness and fosters openness. Fourth, agree on a structured way to address disagreements. For example, if one spouse tends to withdraw, they might ask for a cooling-off period but commit to returning to the discussion within a set timeframe. This reassures the pursuer while respecting the avoidant partner’s need for space. Fifth, rather than seeing conflict as something to “win” or avoid entirely, view it as an opportunity to strengthen emotional intimacy. The goal isn’t to eliminate disagreements but to navigate them with emotional maturity and respect.
Final Thoughts
Avoidance in conflict doesn’t mean a lack of love—it often signals anxiety and learned patterns of emotional management. By increasing self-awareness, managing emotional reactivity, and practicing differentiation, couples can move from avoidance and frustration toward a healthier, more connected partnership.
Would you like to explore your own family patterns and how they impact your marriage? A Bowen therapist can help you break generational cycles and build a stronger foundation for
communication and connection. Give me a call.
David Yentzen, LPC
512-238-1700